What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 29.06.2025 01:58

Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
It was going to be , some day.
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She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
Comes on , in middle age.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
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I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
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I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
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He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
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Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
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I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
She married twice! .
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
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You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
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She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
When she asked me how she looked .
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BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
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She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
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You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
And i lived it daily.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
This is how, and why children get BPD.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
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Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
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But ive been too sick for many years..
I don,t even have a pension.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
But it wasn’t much.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
He resisted the act ,that day.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
We were not on the streets..
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
I said to her
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
I did it because my mum asked me too!
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
Would this be the day?
I never cut or harmed myself..
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
We all went to grammer schools
Who then, do I blame.?
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
She wouldn,t have been !
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
I was 9 years of age.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
The only rule us 5 kids had .
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
One cannot live in the past .
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
Ive learnt so much.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
I couldn’t, believe it.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
(And it was in our own minds.)
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
She loved him until the end.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
My family never makes their pension either.
She was in good health!
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
I waited trembling.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
And who doesn’t know suffering?
But, we were locked up after school.
Why did i forgive my father ?
I was seconnd youngest,
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
As i do to all so called friends.?
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
My life is so biszare .
I will be 64.
Put me off passion for life!!
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
She found it foreign!.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
So whats the point in blame.
This is soul school!.
All the time i was locked up.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
He knew the spot.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
Was to survive, this bastard.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
I have no regrets .
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
I write beautiful poetry .
I think the readers, may guess!
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
I was very sick at this time too.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
Especially a lifetime of it.
Im still living with it.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
What did i know ?
I could never make a relationship work though!
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
So, i spoilt her more .
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
I was scared of men, in general
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,